13 Things I am learning with His Needs/Her Needs – Building an Affair-Proof Marriage on how to better love and serve my husband!
Things we need - Time to spend together. Time to do homework! Every week we are going to have homework that will take us about 5 hours to complete. A patience with one another. We will have to talk to each other and share our answers (in depth) each week. So far, so good. Although, we have only been through one class.
10 emotional needs – Admiration, Affection, Conversation, Domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment
“Obviously the way to keep a husband and wife happily married is for each of them to need the needs that are most important to the other.”
Conversation – This is something that Karl and I are not really good at. We talk, but usually in passing and by answering each other’s financial questions of can I buy….this. It has been good for us to sit and talk about our relationship and find out how to love each other.
Financial Support – We are trying so hard to get on a “BUDGET” and stick to it. I am having the most trouble. I want to send money… I want to buy this or that…. Karl has been patient with me, but I have a need to focus on this for sure. This one made it to both of our top 5 Needs!
Admiration – After 5 years of marriage, we are talking about things that we each need to be given by the other. It is amazing to me to think that I feel like I give Karl admiration and affection but in essence, it isn’t what he needs. I am very prideful and I need to work on our relationship as a partnership not a “this is the way that I have seen it done and we should do it, because it works” way!
Affection – Again, not one of Karl’s top five. My number 3! I need affection. He could care less if he has that on a daily basis. That doesn’t mean that I will quite giving it to him. I love to be held and kissed; like most humans!
Recreational Companionship – This ranks in Karl’s top 5. In College Station, we played softball together and had a blast. Since we have lived in San Antonio and now in Iowa, we have not found an activity that we do together. I am working on being more supportive and being there at least when he plays softball on Tuesday nights. Braxton and I try to make the game together!
Domestic Support – Another one of Karl’s top 5. His mom’s house is always clean and clutter free. He hates coming home to a house that is messy. He does not care to see dishes in the sink and he doesn’t care to put up laundry. I know this and I am lazy about it. One of the things that we have talked about the last couple of weeks is just keeping things picked up and organized. Growing up, my house was comfortable. I (or any friend or family member) could come in and at any instance be comfortable. By “comfortable” I mean, relaxed about where they could sit, make themselves at home…whatever. I want to have that. I don’t want the clutter, but I do want it to be a place that anyone can feel welcome. I need to work on this for us!
Openness and Honesty – There are so many times (because of the lack of communication), I feel like we are going through struggles and overcoming obstacles all on our own. So, one of my top 5 happens to be Openness and Honesty. I want to have more of an open book communication with Karl. I want to be able to ask him questions without him wondering if I am “checking up” on him. This one should be one of our easier ones to accomplish.
Physical Attractiveness – is one that rose to the top of Karl’s list. He stated that this one is very important to him in the fact of being able to get out and go do things together. He has said this many times over. Karl doesn’t care what I look like, as long as I am healthy. I have pushed that envelope and stuffed it way too full. I am on the road to making things better and he also stated that he was proud of me for taking the initiative to a healthier lifestyle.
My needs are not his needs and vise versa.
I have been giving more attention to what needs I want to receive from Karl rather than the needs that he want to be given. Does this make sense? I feel like I have been giving him more affection when he really wants less affection and for me to have the house in order. It has been such a good experience for us and we have only just begun!
Thought it was kind of funny that Sexual Fulfillment wasn’t in the top 5 of either of our lists…I guess when so many other things are out of place that definitely takes a back seat. I would have guessed wrong on that one!
10 emotional needs – Admiration, Affection, Conversation, Domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment
“Obviously the way to keep a husband and wife happily married is for each of them to need the needs that are most important to the other.”
Conversation – This is something that Karl and I are not really good at. We talk, but usually in passing and by answering each other’s financial questions of can I buy….this. It has been good for us to sit and talk about our relationship and find out how to love each other.
Financial Support – We are trying so hard to get on a “BUDGET” and stick to it. I am having the most trouble. I want to send money… I want to buy this or that…. Karl has been patient with me, but I have a need to focus on this for sure. This one made it to both of our top 5 Needs!
Admiration – After 5 years of marriage, we are talking about things that we each need to be given by the other. It is amazing to me to think that I feel like I give Karl admiration and affection but in essence, it isn’t what he needs. I am very prideful and I need to work on our relationship as a partnership not a “this is the way that I have seen it done and we should do it, because it works” way!
Affection – Again, not one of Karl’s top five. My number 3! I need affection. He could care less if he has that on a daily basis. That doesn’t mean that I will quite giving it to him. I love to be held and kissed; like most humans!
Recreational Companionship – This ranks in Karl’s top 5. In College Station, we played softball together and had a blast. Since we have lived in San Antonio and now in Iowa, we have not found an activity that we do together. I am working on being more supportive and being there at least when he plays softball on Tuesday nights. Braxton and I try to make the game together!
Domestic Support – Another one of Karl’s top 5. His mom’s house is always clean and clutter free. He hates coming home to a house that is messy. He does not care to see dishes in the sink and he doesn’t care to put up laundry. I know this and I am lazy about it. One of the things that we have talked about the last couple of weeks is just keeping things picked up and organized. Growing up, my house was comfortable. I (or any friend or family member) could come in and at any instance be comfortable. By “comfortable” I mean, relaxed about where they could sit, make themselves at home…whatever. I want to have that. I don’t want the clutter, but I do want it to be a place that anyone can feel welcome. I need to work on this for us!
Openness and Honesty – There are so many times (because of the lack of communication), I feel like we are going through struggles and overcoming obstacles all on our own. So, one of my top 5 happens to be Openness and Honesty. I want to have more of an open book communication with Karl. I want to be able to ask him questions without him wondering if I am “checking up” on him. This one should be one of our easier ones to accomplish.
Physical Attractiveness – is one that rose to the top of Karl’s list. He stated that this one is very important to him in the fact of being able to get out and go do things together. He has said this many times over. Karl doesn’t care what I look like, as long as I am healthy. I have pushed that envelope and stuffed it way too full. I am on the road to making things better and he also stated that he was proud of me for taking the initiative to a healthier lifestyle.
My needs are not his needs and vise versa.
I have been giving more attention to what needs I want to receive from Karl rather than the needs that he want to be given. Does this make sense? I feel like I have been giving him more affection when he really wants less affection and for me to have the house in order. It has been such a good experience for us and we have only just begun!
Thought it was kind of funny that Sexual Fulfillment wasn’t in the top 5 of either of our lists…I guess when so many other things are out of place that definitely takes a back seat. I would have guessed wrong on that one!
I am extremely glad that they pushed us to take it. Just when we thought everything was getting good and coming up on our 5th Anniversary, we are allowing ourselves to understand what the other person needs.
It is amazing how easy it is to be honest and upfront rather than taking the easy way out and saying “thank you” for something that you could do without. I love the sweet thoughts and I would never take them for granted. There are many things that we “do” for each other that can be done away with because we are completing them out of thought that our spouse wants them done a certain way, when in essence neither one of us cares! Hence the reason for the emotional needs and the ranking... We are just starting to work on our top 5 but we need to know that all 10 are important!
Thanks for letting me vent. This week we are working on LOVE BUSTERS! I am sure that I will have lots more to say about that!
